Waiting on you

A sad dark cloud

2009-12-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

I feel like a sad dark cloud ready to burst at any moment. I want a baby more than anything in the world and I just don't think its going to ever happen. My body won't cooperate with any medication and every IUI is a bust.
I feel hopeless and sad. Something that is exciting has turned into a ball of depression filled with emotional pain that leaves me lifeless and barely able to breathe. How can something that is supposed to be so precious be this difficult?
A heavy weight is slowly crushing me. My spirit is dying and the once carefree, happy girl is disappearing. Filling her place is a pathetic sad person that has nothing to offer but this disease that has plagued me. Its a physical disease but it is killing me emotionally. Every month a piece of me is being chipped away and disappears. I scramble to find all the missing pieces of me but I can't because they are forever gone. So I sit here and I pretend to move on. Feeling numb in the beginning, pretending it doesn't bother me, 48 hours later it hits me hard. I wake up from the denial I have been lying in and it hurts. I can't have a baby. I can't get pregnant. I won't feel a baby move inside my belly. I won't look down and watch my baby sleep. And another piece chips away. I've been sad for three years. I will watch my friends and families children grow and I hide behind the shadows because I can't join them.
Why does this have to be so hard?

What a low blow

2009-11-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

I wrote my dad a letter. I have not talked to him in a long time for various reasons. I wrote him a letter about my TTC struggles and updates on Jacob. I even sent him 3 pictures. I got a letter from him yeterday. I expected it to say something along the lines of "Its nice to hear from you. I miss you too." Instead I got my letter and pictures back.
I've been rejected before but never by my own father. No he wasn't in my life for very long and he did not raise me but he is still my dad. I want to be angry at him. I want to hate him. How cruel and mean can you be to your own daughter? For years I defended him to everyone. I believed in him. I believed he would come back one day. And this is how he repays me? By mailing my letter and pictures back. I would of rather him just throw the letter away and not responded. What he did was down right mean.
I keep replaying it over and over in my head. Opening the envelope expecting to see a letter from him. My mind couldn't process what was in front of me. I kept thinking did I put the wrong address. But the letter in my hand was addressed to me not from me. He took the letter I gave him, put it in another envelope and mailed it back. I wonder did he even read it? Did he feel the pain in my letter? Or does he simply not care about me anymore.
Why does it hurt so bad? He didn't raise me. He really isn't my father yet I still seek his approval. I yearn for his love and I miss him.

Diagnosis

2009-11-19T16:18:00.001-08:00

(Written 8/28/09)

I had lapascrophic surgery last Tuesday. Turns out I did have endometriosis, a big cyst on my left ovary, and scar tissue from my c-section. The FS was able to burn all of it and told me I am most fertile the month after the surgery which is September! AF is due next Friday. Once AF starts I will start the clomid on CD 3. Then on CD 10-16 dh and I will do our bding. CD 14 and 15 I will go in for a double IUI. I hope and pray that it works this time.
To backtrack I did a single IUI mid July. I discussed a possible LAP with the FS if AF came. The FS thought it would be a good idea to check things out since this was the 3rd IUI/4th clomid cycle. Sure enough AF came on 8/7. I wasn't all that surprised. Disappointmented but not surprised. So I went in and scheduled the LAP.
First she wanted me to go on BC to thin out my lining of my uterus. I took the 1st pill and it made me sick. I threw up until I had nothing left. So I switched pills but the same thing happened. It was horrible. I went back to the FS and had a scan done and thankfully my lining was thin enough to proceed with the surgery. I didn't know how much more throwing up I could take.
So I got my surgery scheduled for 8/17. Two days prior to the surgery I had to drink magnesium citrate. The most horrid drink out there. The after taste was the worst. I chased it with Sprite. I kept telling myself, "I'm doing this for my future child." 1/2 hour later I was running to the bathroom. I did that all day long. I was on a clear liquid diet all day Sunday and all day Monday. I was starving by Monday afternoon. All I could think about was food. Went to bed early and the night flew by. Then I started getting anxious. I started thinking, "what if the anethesia didn't work? What if I felt the whole procedure but was unable to say anything because I was paralyzed?
I woke up at 5am these thoughts still plaguing me but I knew I had to move forward. I had to have the surgery done especially if I wanted answers. So I got there and tried to remain calm. On the outside I appeared calm and collective. On the inside I was screaming and crying. I was so scared. I had never been under anethesia before. I was so afraid something was going to go wrong. The morning flew by and before I knew it I was in the OR. I laid there still appearing calm and just trying to remain calm. Then I was out.
I didn't dream and I don't remember a thing. I felt like time stopped for 3 hours. I remember being woken up by the sound of an oxygen tank. I had a mask on my face and my throat felt so scratchy. I asked the nurse what happened and she said that they found a lot of scar tissue and endometriosis. I was so tired but relieved that they found something.
A few minutes later my dh came in the room and told me all about my diagnosis. I asked him if it was possible for me to have another baby. He said he thought so. I wasn't satisfied with that answer. I wanted to know from the FS.
3 days later I went to see my FS. She told me I was young and fertile and still had a very good chance of having another baby. That eased my fears a little and decided to try clomid again.
The recovery was about 3 days. The first two nights I thought my stomach, shoulders, and torso were going to explode. They hurt so bad. By the 3rd day it was only my incision that hurt.
Now I am 99.9% better and waiting out time. Waiting for AF to come. Who knew I would be so excited for her to actually come. Normally I want her to stay away.

How to call it quits when your brain and heart want two different things

2009-11-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

(This was written back in June 09)

In two months I will have been ttc my second child for 3 years. In 3 years I have done a lot. Been to 3 different doctors, got told 3 different things. 1 of them only being 99.9% confirmed. Signs and symptoms are all there for stage 1 endo. Its not bad enough to need surgery so I have chosen not to go down that road just yet.
I also moved to California where my dh landed a wonderful job and has given us such an amazing opporutinity.
I got two new dogs. The first was Chief 3 years ago. The second one was Lucy two weeks ago. Both boxers.
I have watched my ds grow from a baby into a toddler and now onto a kid. My dss's have grown from kids to pre teens and now to teenagers.
3 years I have done so much. But there is a piece of my heart still missing. I dont have my LO. The one I can see holding and rocking. Kissing her tiny little face. Counting her fingers and toes. Seeing the HPT turn postive. Jumping up and down with exictment. Being able to shout, "I'm pregnant!" "It's a girl!" "Catherine is here!" "She weighs 7lbs, 8oz." This is all in my thoughts and my dreams. I only have my LO in my dreams.
My heart aches for my baby that I know I am meant to have. I find very little hope in anything when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. Yet I am slapped in the face with women with swollen bellies. Little babies in their arms while their older child beams with glee from having a brother or sister. My heart tells me don't ever stop believing. It will happen. Hold onto that shed of light.
My head tells me to stop. It hasn't happened yet. Why do you torture yourself like this. Just stop. Give up on having another baby. You'll be happier in the long run. Call it quits. Do it. Cancel your doctors appointments and LIVE LIFE.
My heart is still winning this battle. I want to stop. I want to quit. I'm tired of the emotions. The tears I have shed for my unborn child that I may never have. Seeing all the BFN's on every single HPT that I take. I want to quit but I can't. B/c every month I think maybe this time. Maybe this will be it. And it never is.

I took it for granted

2009-11-19T14:41:00.001-08:00

I took my pregnancy with Jacob for granted. I just wanted to hurry up and get it over with. I enjoyed his baby years but I was excited for him to be a toddler and do more on his own. I wish now that I could go back in time and change it. I would of relished each and every day. I wish I could go back but I can't and now I am faced with the possibilty of never having another baby again.

Where is my head these days

2009-11-18T16:25:00.000-08:00

I'm on cd15 of this natural cycle and I decided to try eating pineapple core from 1-5 days past ovulation. I have no idea if its going to work or not. I was feeling really hopeful about it yesterday and excited to try it this morning. It is supposed to help with implantation.
I've tried so many different things. To name a few, Evening Primrose, robotussin, B5, B6, Prenatals, Folic Acid, and now Pineapple. Not to mention the rx drugs I've taken. Nothing has worked so part of me thinks why would the pineapple work? Still I am going to try it. I wanted to gag while eating it this morning. The taste of it was so bitter and I always have a hard time eating at 6am. Still I just want to get it over with.
I am waiting for the lights to turn on and the judges to come out and announce that I have passed the Wanting a baby more than anything else test and bam! I'll be pregnant.
I constantly feel like I am proving myself. I research, pray, hope, and wait.
My head keeps going back to IVF. How I can make it an option. My doctor who I love pratices at a pain in the ass clinic that wants all the money up front. So I feel like I have 3 options.
Option 1-Try to save up the $5,000 (insert laughter)
Option 2-Find a doctor who is willing to take my insurance since they do cover 50% and either pay $2500 (which I can come up with) or make a payment plan (even better!)
Option 3-Do nothing
I like Option 2 the best but why do I feel like I would be betraying my doctor? I feel terrible about it but not enough to not go ahead with it.
I still plan on giving the IUI/injectables a try next month. I am even thinking of asking Dr. Kornafel if I can double up on the meds and see if that will give me better results. If that fails then I am faced with one last IUI cycle or do I stop seeing her and look at other doctors.
I've come to know her pretty well and I trust her. I just can't afford her damn IVF prices. I would much rather her perform my IVF than a stranger but like all things it all comes down to money.
It all gets jumbled up in my head and I just want to bury it and not think about it but it floats back up to the surface forcing me to think about it.
My life has become one big cycle. I define myself by a cycle. I feel like if I was giving a biography about myself it would start out as, My name is Sarah and I am on cd15 today. 1 day past ovulation. My symptoms included but are not limited to: EWCM, a little bloated, having to pee frequently, and so on.
Having another baby was supposed to be fun and exciting. Now it has turned into a dark money pit cloud.

To sum it up

2009-11-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

I feel like before I really get in depth on my feelings about this whole TTC journey I should share more history. That way everyone really knows my story and I'm not just another person with infertility issues trying to get pregnant.

We started trying for #2 in August of 06. Well actually it was more like we just weren't preventing. So when it didn't happen right away I wasn't really that concerned. I just thought I needed to stop being so lazy and start activetly try to conceive. I broke out the notebook and started charting. (this was back before I knew about fertilityfriend.com!) I took my temperature, followed my CM, peed on an OPK, the whole 9 yards. After an exhausting year of that and it still didn't happen I started to get worried.

However my worries had to be put on hold because we were moving. The move itself was exhausting! We got stuck in a horrible snow storm, Mike almost got hit by a truck, our house wasn't ready to move into yet, so that was month was most defitantley out! It took about 3 months to get settled in and then we started TTC again. I decided to try some herbs to help boost my fertility. I cut back on alochol consumption and figured that would do the trick.

By this point we are into 2008. Still NO baby.

Then one day in January 2008, I remember the day well. My period was late and I thought what the hell I'll take a pregnancy test. And it was the faintest line you ever had seen. I knew it my heart it was real! I was finally pregnant! I was so happy! Finally after 2 years of hard work it was going to pay off. I was going to have a halloween baby! Yay me!

It lasted a week and then I started bleeding. All my symptoms were gone. I wasn't pregnant anymore. It hit me like a ton of bricks. How could life be so cruel? Why were my dreams being ripped away from me like that? I couldn't breathe without crying. I couldn't stop thinking about it. About the baby I was supposed to have but wouldn't be. It was so unfair. It was cruel.

I took a much needed break. I stopped thinking about babies and pregnancy and just enjoyed life. At this point I still knew how to do that.

After some time passed I jumped back on the horse so to speak and started trying again. By this point I am at the end of 2008.

In the back of my mind I knew it had been a long time trying to have a baby but I never acknowledged how long it had really been. Until one day I was sitting at home reflecting and it hit me. I had been trying for a baby for 2 years!

It was time to go see a doctor but I was so afraid because by seeing a doctor would be admiting there was a problem. So I was faced with do I make an appointment and find out if there was something preventing me from having a baby or keep my head in the sand and just keep trying.

Logic won. In December of 08 I made an appointment with my primary care doctor and talked to her about my concers. She refered me to an RE named Dr. Kornafel.

I remember the very first time I met Dr. Kornafel. She seemed really nice and smart. My goal was to find a smart doctor. I wanted someone who could help me get pregnant fast. After all it had already been 2+ years and I wanted a baby NOW.

I talked to her about my concerns, fears, desires. Being a doctor she scheduled the routine tests prior to begining any medication. HSG test, blood work, Ultrasound.

Blood work was a piece of cake and so was the ultrasound. The HSG test on the other hand...HOLY CRAP! The test itself was fine but the after effects of the test a whole different story. It hit me in the evening and it hurt so bad. My uterus was taking its revenge on me. It twisted and turned and made me cry out so many times. I kept thinking this is worth it. Its for my future baby. Eventually the pain wore off and my results came back.

Blood work-Luteal phase defect: Luteal Phase Defect
A luteal phase is the time in a woman’s cycle between ovulation and menstruation. In a pregnant woman, during the luteal phase the fertilized egg will travel from the fallopian tube and into the uterus for implantation. The luteal phase is normally 14 days long and on an average it can be anywhere from 10 to 17 days long. If your luteal phase lasts anything under 10 days it is considered a luteal phase defect. But some doctors believe that if the luteal phase falls under 12 days, then it is a problem. If you conceive and you have a luteal phase defect, you will have an early miscarriage.
A luteal phase defect cannot sustain a pregnancy because the uterine lining in these women begins to break down, bringing on the menstrual bleeding and causing an early miscarriage. There could be more than one reason for the luteal phase defect which can be found out after medical analysis. Going by statistics, the number one reason for a luteal phase defect is low progesterone levels. Your doctor can do a progesterone test on you 7 days past ovulation to determine exactly how deficient you are. Once you know that there are several ways of correcting this defect.

Ultrasound-Fine
HSG-Normal. Tubes were clear.

When I heard the words LPD I thought thats it there is no point. I will never have another baby. I teared up but my doctor assured me that it didn't mean I couldn't get pregnant that I just needed help. So I turned my frown upside down and had faith.
Now I just had to wait until I got my period again and I could start on clomid. Never had I been so excited to get my period.
Mid February it finally came! Yay for me! I was going to start the fertility drugs and get pregnant!
I called the doctor's office and scheduled a baseline ultrasound appointment. Had no idea what that was but all I knew was I was going to get some drugs and make a baby!
Got to my appointment on cd2 and man it was heavy. I knew they were doing an ultrasound but no way it would be a vaginal ultrasound. Right? WRONG!!! It was indeed a vaginal u/s. Gross! Is all I could think of! Again though I did it and kept thinking, this is for my baby.
So I laid there really embarassed that this was going on and Dr. Kornafel said something I didn't expect to hear. I couldn't do the meds because I had a cyst on my ovary. I was devastated, pissed off, what did she mean I couldn't do the freaking medicaiton! Here I was laying on a gurney, on my period, having this gross ultrasound performed and you are denying me the right to get pregnant! Oh HELL NO!
I was so pissed at her. I asked her why I couldn't do the meds and she said very straight forward, because you have a cyst. We will have to wait until it disappears.
Great! Just another roadblock. I had cysts all my life. I was so angry but there was nothing I could do so I just went home and cried. I was looking forward to having a Thanksgiving baby and here I was not going to be able to do it.
My only option was to wait until I got my next period and repeat the same process and hope for the best. So I did. In March I did the repeated the same steps only this time I got on Clomid! I was so excited! I was going to have a Christmas baby! I was absoutley 100% positive that the clomid was going to work and I was going to get pregnant!
I took the clomid on days 3-7 and on cd10 Mike and I went at it like bunnies for the next 10 days. I just knew it was going to work. I was thinking positive thoughts.
Imagine my surprise when I got my period. I was at work and it was such a low blow. I held my tears in. What the hell did I do wrong? I took the medication, why didn't it work?
Same steps. Go the dr and repeat. No meds due to cyst. Devastated again but just dealt with it.
I decided to do an IUI with clomid instead of just timed intercourse. That surely would work. An IUI was like sperm on steroids.
Fast forward to May 09-Got my period, repeat steps and scheduled the IUI for cd 14. I just knew this time I would get pregnant. There was no way I couldn't.
BUT again I DID NOT GET PREGNANT!
What the fuck was I doing wrong?! Why wasn't anything working. I kept going over and over the process. What did I need to change? I tried everything. No alcohol, dieting, exercise, you name it I tried it.
Still nothing.
After 3 cycles of clomid/IUI combination Dr. Kornafel decided I needed to do a lapascropy. I was so against it but there was a suspision of endometriosis. After all I kept getting cysts and they wouldn't go away. I knew I had to do the surgery so I agreed. I was anxious and scared but again this was for my future baby. I would go to the ends of the earth to have her and if I had to prove how serious I was then so be it. Cut me open!
August 18 the surgery was scheduled. Two days before the surgery I had to drink magnesium citrate. The worst thing invented by earth. It tastes like a combination of wanna be sprite with a bitter lemon that has been left out in the open for too long. Basically terrible! And what it does to your body! Lets just say I spent a day and a half in the bathroom. It was awful! The only benefit from it was I lost 5 pounds.
The day of the surgery I was really nervous. I was afraid I was doing the wrong thing. What if something went wrong and I left my husband without a wife and my son without a mother? All because I wanted a baby. Was that the right thing to do? I prayed and prayed that everything would go okay. I wasn't sure what the right answer was but I pushed forward to the surgery.
Mike drove me to the hospital where I was met by the most wonderful anesthesiologist. She really calmed me down both with drugs and in just talking to me. She was so nice. I briefly saw Dr. Kornafel who would be preforming the surgery and that was the last thing I remembered.
Upon waking up I was really groggy but pain free. No one told me any real details just that everything went okay. I was so out of it that I couldn't find the words to ask what the dr had found.
Mike came in the room and asked me how I was doing. I asked him what they found and judging by the look on his face the news wasn't good. Stage 2/3 endo. I knew what endo was and that it could be crippling on getting pregnant but I didn't know a whole lot about it.
I was too exhausted to cry so I just went home and recovered. I took September off from TTC because I just needed a break.
When I went back to the dr for my post op visit we discussed my options. It was time to get more serious. She started me on bravelle/hcg trigger shot and IUI. I wasn't hopeful or happy. I knew I only had a 20% chance even with the bigger drugs. The hope had been sucked out of me and I just went thru the cycle in a daze yet a little ray of light poked thru and towards the end of my cycle I kept thinking, could I be pregnant? Maybe just maybe it worked.
CD 27 became CD1. My period came on November 4. I cried and cried. Nothing was working. Everything failed. The clomid, the surgery, the injectables. I was no where closer to having my baby.
I was so depressed. Almost a year of treatments and still NOTHING. Meanwhile everyone around me was getting pregnant. While I remained NOT pregnant. It was so unfair. I hated it. I hated the emotions I was feeling. On one hand being so damned depressed I struggled to get out of bed and on the other having to function for Mike and Jacob. I had to be a good wife and mother.
I went back to the dr and laid it all out there for her. I told her how depressed I was. How nothing was working and I just felt like I was wasting my time. How unfair it was. She listened and gave me sympathy and told me to try again. Take November off and try again in December. Okay I would take the month off from fertility drugs. My body and pocket book needed a break anyway.
I left her office feeling numb. It was so unfair. I had sacrificed and given so much to this and still nothing. I never realized you could feel so low about something that is supposed to be so exciting.
I felt like someone had died. I felt like my child who had yet to be concieved died over and over again. I cried and mourned like I had lost a child yet no one understood why I was taking it so hard. I am truly in this alone. People try to understand but unless you have walked this path you can't possibly imagine what it truly feels like.
I am half way thru my November cycle. Today is my ovulation day. I've been trying the good old fashioned way and even though I know my chances of conceiving are slim to none I keep trying because what else can I do? I can't give up. I've tried to give up but I can't. How do you give up on a life you want so much? That is like saying your loved one has terminal cancer and you should just let go but you can't because maybe just maybe they will pull thru and maybe they will survive and beat the odds. Maybe just maybe I'll get pregnant. I'll beat the slim chances and I'll prove the statitcs wrong. I'll get pregnant and my painful journey will lead to a beautiful baby. I don't know and I won't know for another 2 weeks but there is a chance. It might be a very small chance but still it exsists and so I keep trying.

How it all began

2009-11-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

I met my husband in an not so ordinary way but all that matters is that we fell in love and we pledged to spend the rest of our lives together.
I remember that moment that I decided I wanted another baby. The excitment I felt, the anticipation. I talked to Mike about it and he was fully on board. That made me even more excited.
I remember the exact conversation in the exact location when we both decided to have baby #2.
We were at a book store and I picked up a baby book and said, "I was thinking of getting pregnant soon." I looked at Mike waiting for his response and he smiled and in his own funny, saracastic way he said, "should I drop my pants now?"
I jokingly punched him in the arm and said, "so is that a yes?" and he replied, "yeah sure."
I jumped up and down with excitment like a little school girl.
I was going to be a mommy again soon. I was going to make Jacob a big brother!!! I couldn't wait to get pregnant!!! To see the pregnancy test turn positive. Announcing to all of our family and friends that "We're Pregnant!!!" Going thru the stages of pregnancy with Mike. Him placing his hand on my belly, feeling the baby move. How could life get anymore perfect than this?
Finally my life was complete. I had my wonderful little boy and a wonderful husband and soon I would be welcoming #2 into my life.
Little did I know that 3 years later that trying to have #2 would turn into a nightmare, that depression would overwhelm me. That I would cry until I had no tears left. I would be desperate to get pregnant, I would avoid pregnant friends and family. I would turn into a different person.